


couldn't utter my love

by foxesjosten



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: F/M, Jealousy, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, anderperry do be vibin tho, charlie is an actual mess, its a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:54:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23768041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxesjosten/pseuds/foxesjosten
Summary: In short, Charlie has no clue how to deal with jealousy. Like not even a little bit.
Relationships: Charlie Dalton & Neil Perry, Charlie Dalton/Knox Overstreet, Chris Noel/Knox Overstreet, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 4
Kudos: 87





	couldn't utter my love

Todd Anderson. He was, no doubt, an interesting new addition to their group. He didn’t usually have much to say, but beautiful things seemed to pour out when he did choose to open his mouth. Todd Anderson is a true poet, which is exactly why Charlie should dislike him. Sure, he was a tad awkward and fumbled over his words sometimes, but his words were beautiful nonetheless. And no one was more susceptible to beautiful words than Neil. 

Neil Perry. The main, and only, reason Charlie should dislike Todd. Charlie hadn’t technically known Neil before Welton, but he can’t think of a time before Neil. They’d met in their early Welton days and became friends almost instantly. Charlie found that he clicked with the other boy in a way he’d never felt with another person before, besides maybe Knox. They had a strong connection and Charlie wasn’t going to let anything, or anyone, break it.

So, Charlie can’t seem to figure out why he doesn’t hate Todd. Todd had come to Welton and taken up a place beside Neil faster than anyone ever could have. Faster than Charlie had. He hadn’t even seemed like he wanted that place, but Neil wanted him there. And Neil wasn’t one to take no for an answer, especially when he saw potential in someone. So Todd found himself thrown into a world of secret societies and poetry alongside the rest of the group. He’d become one of them quicker than Charlie had expected him to. It was no secret that Todd was an anxious guy, but he seemed at ease with Neil by his side. And Neil seemed to shine brighter when Todd was around. 

How could that not bother Charlie when he was so sure that he was in love with Neil Perry?

Charlie finds himself going through this thought process almost daily. If x + y = z, then y + x = z. If he was in love with Neil, then why did Todd’s presence and Neil’s obvious pining not bother him? Maybe Charlie was doing the math wrong. But even if the math was off, then why did Charlie want Neil to pursue his crush on Todd? Not only did he want to see Neil happy, but Charlie also wants Todd to be happy too. He wants his friends to be together.

 _Friends,_ Charlie thinks. Maybe that’s all this ever was. Maybe the math was wrong for a reason… 

Conclusion: Charlie is not in love.

-

The feeling hits Charlie fast. One minute he’s joking with the guys and the next, he’s sick to his stomach. He must look as terrible as he feels because Todd leans towards him and asks, “Charlie, are you feeling alright?”

“I’m fine.” Charlie whispers back. He isn’t fine and he’s aware of this, but he also isn’t sure what _is_ wrong with him. He doesn’t have a better response than the one he gave and he definitely doesn’t wanna get into this in front of his friends.

“It’s just,” Todd mutters, “you look kinda green. Are sure you aren’t feeling sick, Charlie?”

“Drop it.” Charlie says sharply. Todd nods and steps out of Charlie’s space. The look on the other boy’s face automatically makes the feeling in Charlie’s stomach worse. He does know this feeling: Guilt. Todd was only trying to help and he’d snapped at him. Charlie was almost positive he was sick now and the last thing he wanted was to be surrounded by people. He needs to get out of here.

“Well, this has been exciting, but I believe I’m going to take my leave now. Exit stage left, am I right Neil?” Charlie says with fake confidence. If there was one thing he was good at, it was faking it.

“Aw c'mon Charlie!” Knox cries. “I didn’t even finish my story about the girl I met the other night!”

A second wave of sickness washes over Charlie. The feeling is working it’s way from his stomach into his chest as well. Charlie feels hot all over. “You can tell me about Katie later, Knoxious.”

“Her name is Chris.” Knox replies while rolling his eyes.

“Katie, Chris, same difference!” Charlie laughs. “I’ve got places to be and women to see, my friends. I will see you all later!” 

Charlie winks at his friends with one final laugh to seal the deal and then makes his exit. He makes his way towards his dorm slowly at first, but once he’s clear of his friends he breaks out into a sprint. He’s almost positive he gets reprimanded for running in the halls or something to that effect and almost debates slowing down before realizing that he’s about two seconds away from being sick.

 _What is the matter with me?_ Charlie wonders as he bursts into his dorm. The first thing he does is make a beeline for the window. It takes the last bit of strength he has left to throw it open, but the blast of fresh air that hits him makes the loss of strength worth it. He tucks himself into the window seat and slumps against the wall at his back. 

_Whatever the hell kind of bug I caught is determined to knock me on my ass,_ Charlie thinks as he feels his eyes shutting against his will. It isn’t long before he feels himself slip into the comfortable dark of unconsciousness.

-

“Charlie? Hey, Charlie.”

“What?” Charlie murmurs. He’d been sleeping so soundly until he felt a pair of hands trying to shake him awake. “What is it?”

“It’s time to get up, buddy.” The voice says back. 

“What time is it?” Charlie asks, finally opening his eyes. It’s Neil who woke him. 

“It’s six in the evening. You slept through the entire day.” Neil informs him.

“I did?”

“You did. Charlie, you sound awfully confused. Are you feeling alright?” Neil asks.

“Uh, no. No, I think I’m sick.” Charlie says. It’s more of a guess than anything. He’d felt nauseated and feverish last night without much of an explanation, so he chalked it up to being sick.

Neil nods at that. “That’s what Knox thought too.”

“Knox?” Charlie asks. He takes his first look around the room since he woke up and finds that his roommate is gone. “Where’s Knox?”

“He’s with Todd. He tried waking you up and when he ultimately failed at that, he came and got me. He’s worried about you.” Neil says.

The thought of Knox being worried about him makes Charlie flustered. And that is yet another thing that he can’t seem to explain. “What’s there to be worried about?”

“Well, you disappeared last night pretty quickly. Spaz said he saw you in the hall last night and that you looked like you were about ready to hurl. When Knox finally got in last night, the window was wide open and you had fallen asleep sitting up in the window seat. He threw you into bed and everything, Charlie. You didn’t even stir.” Neil explains.

“I just feel off, that’s all.” Charlies replies. He’d been wondering how he made it to his bed. The thought of Knox picking him up and putting him to bed only makes Charlie more flustered. 

Neil stares at Charlie for a second, almost like he’s trying to see through what his friend is telling him. Charlie wonders if Neil believes any of what he’s being told. “Do you want Knox and I to take you to the infirmary?”

“No!” Charlie says too quickly. He isn’t sure why, but Knox is the last person he wants to be around right now. Maybe it was the embarrassment of Knox having to put him to bed last night. But since when was Charlie Dalton easily embarrassed? 

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive. I just gotta sleep this shit off.” Charlie says.

“Charlie, you’ve been asleep for almost a full day.” Neil says back. 

Charlie hadn’t meant to sleep for so long. He was the type to sleep in after a long night, but never for the whole day. He wondered what the other poets thought about his strange behavior. “It’s Saturday, Mr. Judgemental. I’ve still got all of tomorrow to sleep if I need to.”

“And to catch up on your school work.” Neil reminds him.

“Right, right.” Charlie says with a nod. Schoolwork is most definitely the last thing on his mind right now.

“Alright, I guess I can’t convince you to go to the infirmary.” Neil says as he places his hand on Charlie’s head. “Well at least you don’t feel warm. Do you feel overly hot or cold?”

“Nope. I feel right as rain, Neil my boy!” Charlie says with little effort. Maybe sleep had been all he needed.

“You’re starting to sound like yourself again. Perhaps a little more sleep won’t hurt. Is there anything you need before I go?” Neil asks. 

The question makes Charlie smile. Neil had always been the one in their friend group to take care of the others. He was always ready to lend a hand to anyone. Sometimes Charlie wondered how one person could be so good. It almost seemed impossible. Except, of course, when it came to Neil. “I’m all good here. Go back to your beautiful boyfriend and reassure him that I’m not dying.”

“I will.” Neil says. He takes one last cautionary glance down at Charlie, who’s still wrapped in his blankets, and heads back to his room.

It doesn’t take Knox long to get back to the room. His arrival almost sends Charlie running for the hills. He doesn’t feel anywhere as sick as he felt the last time he saw Knox, but he does feel something that he can’t quite place.

“Thought you died on me.” Knox laughs.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily, Knoxious.” Charlie says.

“And thank God for that.” Knox says with a smirk.

Something about the curve of the other boy’s mouth sends a shiver down Charlie’s spine. He tries to cover up his surprise with a laugh, but it comes out wrong. Not quite strangled, but strange. Just off in the slightest bit. “What did I miss when I was unconscious?”

“Hm, let’s see. Cameron asked if you were mad at him and then proceeded to somehow piss off both Meeks and Pitts.” Knox explains.

“Impressive.”

“I thought so too. Uh, what else?” Knox pauses. “Besides Neil and Todd being all in love and stuff I don’t think you missed much.”

Missing Todd and Neil's attempts at subtle PDA was definitely not something Charlie would lose sleep over. “Kinda glad I missed that last one.”

“Oh stop. They’re kinda cute, you know.” Knox says.

“They’re disgustingly in love and are constantly displaying said love at lunch time. How am I supposed to eat my spaghetti when they’re reciting poetry to each other. It’s gross!” Charlie exclaims.

Knox chuckles at Charlie’s dramatics. “I think it’s kinda sweet. They’re so obviously in love with each other. It’s like they were made for one another.”

“Ever the hopeless romantic, Knox.” Charlie says. He loved that Knox’s belief in love would never waver. As much as the poets teased Knox over it, Charlie wished he had the same faith in love. 

“Oh, that reminds me! I’m taking Chris out tomorrow night! I called her today and she agreed to go on a date with me! Isn’t that great, Charlie?” Knox asks.

Heat flares in Charlie’s stomach just as it had the day before, only, it finds its way to his chest faster today. He can feel his hands beginning to shake under the blanket.

“Charlie? You aren’t looking too good again. Are you okay?” Knox asks, his voice flooded with concern.

“Uh yeah. I’m just not feeling so hot all of a sudden. I think I’m gonna try to get some more sleep.” Charlies lies. And before Knox can protest, Charlie wishes him sweet dreams and rolls over to face the way. He wants nothing more than to no longer be facing Knox.

Charlie’s earlier conclusion had been right. He was absolutely in no way in love with Neil Perry. His feelings for Knox however? Those were going to involve a whole new set of equations. 

-

The more Knox talked about Chris Noel, his new girlfriend, the more Charlie had begun to avoid him. It started off in small ways, like excusing himself from his friends under the guise of having plans or various dates. Soon enough it’s missing society meetings and hanging out in the library til’ all hours of the night. Charlie had been at Welton Academy for three years now and had spent more time in the library these few weeks than he had in all the time that he’d been enrolled in the school. The librarian swears he’s up to no good and for once, she’s wrong. Charlie simply needed a place for him and his baggage to hide out.

The others pick up on Charlie’s absence quickly and have no problem calling him out about it in class. Meeks and Pitts corner him in Keating’s class and demand answers. He feeds his friends a few lies, which sends them on their way only a bit warily. Soon enough, lying to his friends becomes the norm. Charlie’s talent of being able to fake it is beginning to run dry.

His friends don’t mention Knox, but Charlie assumes he’s thrown him for a bit of a loop. Charlie makes sure he’s only in their room long enough to sleep and get ready for classes. He doesn’t want to chance another jealousy flare up. Not only does the actual feeling make him sick, but the idea of it does as well. He hates that he can’t find it in himself to be truly happy for Knox. Chris makes Knox happy and that is all that should matter. He tries to convince himself of that, but knows he’s failing every time he ducks into an empty classroom to avoid Knox.

His feelings for Knox would have to fade soon, wouldn’t they? Charlie isn’t sure how much longer he can live like this. He doesn’t want to feel like this and he sure as hell doesn’t want to miss Knox anymore. Is it possible to miss someone who sleeps five feet away from you? Is it possible to force yourself to fall out of love? He sure hopes so.

-

“So, Knox thinks you’re avoiding him.” Neil says as he approaches Charlie. It clearly wasn’t a secret that Charlie had begun seeking out hiding places, but he still didn’t think Neil would find him on the roof of the dorm building. He swore this particular spot was his best bet at solitude.

“Why would I be avoiding him?” Charlie asks with false innocence.

“That’s exactly what I came here to find out.” Neil says.

Neil was, by far, the hardest of the poets to lie to. He knew an act when he saw one. “I’m not avoiding him.” 

“Well, your presence has been awfully scarce at the society meetings lately. And you never seem to be in your room anymore. It’s like you’ve always got some place else to be.” Neil responds.

“I’m a busy guy, Perry.” Charlie forces a laugh. When was the last time he’d actually laughed about something?

“Charlie, this is serious. What is going on with you? Did Knox do something to upset you?” Neil asks. 

Charlie shakes his head. “Look, I don’t wanna talk about it. Back off.”

The harshness of Charlie's tone doesn’t do much to deter Neil. “Okay, I’ll back off. But I do have something to say before I do.” Neil pauses. “Knox is worried about you. He’s worried that he did something to mess up your friendship. He’s really upset, Charlie. If he did something to hurt you, I think it’s only fair that you tell him. You don’t have to tell me what he did if you don’t want to, but I do think you need to talk things out with him.”

Neil had, unfortunately, confirmed Charlie’s worst fears. Knox was upset. He was probably wondering why his shitty roommate had decided to jump ship. The idea of causing Knox any kind of heartache is too much for Charlie to handle. 

“I have feelings for him.” Charlie blurts. He didn’t even mean to say it, but there’s no way to take the words back. His feelings were out in the open now for the first time. 

Neil’s eyebrows raise as his eyes grow in size.“What?”

“Knox.” Charlie says, testing out the name as if it were the first time he’d said it. “I think I’m in love with Knox.”

Something in Neil breaks for his friend. “Oh, Charlie. Is that why you’ve been avoiding him like the plague itself?”

“Yeah. I just can’t handle hearing him talk about Chris all the time. It makes me feel like crap. God, it almost makes me feel sick.” Charlie says. It’s strange to be saying all of these things out loud after keeping them trapped in his head for weeks.

“That’s why you were under the weather a few weeks ago.” Neil gasps. “You weren’t ill Charlie, you were jealous.”

“I kinda figured that one out already.” Charlie confirms.

“Why didn’t you tell someone? Gosh Charlie, why didn’t you tell me?” Neil asks.

Why hadn’t he told Neil about all of this? Normally, Neil and Knox were his go-to people in times like these. It was obvious why he hadn’t gone to Knox, but what kept him away from Neil? Suddenly, it seems to Charlie that the answer is just obvious. “Neil, I was about ninety percent sure I was in love with _you_ before Todd came around. You weren’t too high up on my list of people I wanted to have this discussion with.”

“Me?” Neil asks in surprise. Charlie almost expects him to look disgusted, but all he can see is surprise.

“Don’t sound so surprised there, Mr. USA. Todd isn’t the only one at Welton who had a thing for you.” Charlie says with a grin. 

Neil laughs. “What about Todd changed your mind?”

“Huh?”

“You said you were almost positive you were in love with me until Todd came along. How did Todd’s arrival change your mind about your feelings?” Neil asks.

“I guess it was the lack of feelings when Todd got here. You guys became so close so quick when he got here and I was expecting to feel jealous, especially when the way you felt about him became obvious. I kept waiting for the whole ‘one sided love’ feeling to kick in but it didn’t. I wasn’t jealous at all. I was actually routing for you guys. I still am. That’s how I knew I was wrong about my feelings for you.” Charlie admits.

“Well doesn’t that also prove it then?” Neil suggests.

Sometimes being friends with an actor had its perks, but those perks were never displayed conversationally. “Can you please stop being so damn cryptic and just say what you mean here, Neil? You’re starting to lose me again.”

“You’re jealous of Chris in a way that you were never jealous of Todd. Because you’re in love with Knox, in the way you thought you were in love with me. You’re in love with Knox.” Neil explains.

Shit. “Oh god. I really am, huh? I’m in love with Knoxious. Neil, just kill me now.” Charlie sighs.

“Aren’t I supposed to be the dramatic one in the group?” Neil chuckles.

“I’ve always had a bit of a flair for the dramatic, thank you very much!” Charlie says.

Neil laughs again. “Fair enough. Charlie, I think you and Knox need to have a very long overdue talk.”

“I can’t tell him about any of this.” Charlie starts. He couldn’t repeat anything that was said tonight. The outcome of a conversation like that with Knox would never be something Charlie would want. “Not everything works out as well as it did for you and Todd. I don’t think I’m one of those people that;s meant for a happy ending, Neil.”

“Don’t say shit like that.” Charlie gapes at his friend. Neil was not one to drop a curse for the most part.. Charlie was the resident potty mouth of the group and quite frankly, the school. “You don’t have to bare your soul to him, but you do have to talk to him. If you want to lie for now to buy yourself some time, that’s okay. Just tell him you’ve been busy doing whatever and haven’t been avoiding him. You just have to say something to him. He doesn’t deserve all the silence he’s been getting from your end.”

Charlie sighs as he gets to his feet. Why did Neil always have to be right. “Fuck, I know. I’ve been a bad friend. I gotta go make this right. Thanks Neil.”

“Go get em, tiger!” Neil shouts as Charlie walks away. “You got this!”

-

“Hey.” Charlie says awkwardly from the doorway. He can’t seem to get himself to take a step into the room even though it’s half his. It almost feels like he doesn’t live here anymore. 

“Oh. Hey Charlie. What are you doing here?” Knox asks. He seems partly surprised, but the other part of him seems upset. Sad even.

“This is my room too, Knox.” Charlie rolls his eyes. 

“Is it now?” Knox snorts. “You know, at this point I was convinced you moved into the library or something. But hey, this is _your room_ too. So sure, welcome home roomie.”

Charlie had expected Knox to be a bit angry, but this type of attitude didn’t suit Knox. Bitterness did not mix well with Knox Overstreet. Neil was wrong. He shouldn’t have come here. Sure, he was a bad friend and Knox deserved some sort of explanation, but Charlie didn’t have one for him. “Why don’t I just go? This was a shitty idea.”

“Charlie, wait.” Knox pauses. The sadness is back. He’s wearing it like a mask. “I’m sorry. I’m just upset about a couple of things.”

“What happened?”

“Well, Chris doesn’t want to see me anymore.” Knox admits. 

Oh. This was the sentence Charlie had been waiting to hear for weeks and yet, it does absolutely nothing for him. A pining Knox was hard to handle, but a sad Knox was even worse. Charlie’s chest is starting to fill with heat again, but it’s not jealousy this time. This fire raging in his chest this time is anger. How could Chris not want to see Knox anymore? Who wouldn’t want to see Knox?

“She’s a fucking idiot.” Charlie says.

“I don’t wanna hear that right now, Charlie.” Knox says. “I know you never liked her. I bet this is great news to you.”

“ _Great news?_ ” Charlie asks, his voice dripping with anger. “Why on Earth would anything about this situation make me happy? Jesus Christ, I know I’ve been a crappy friend the past few weeks, but is that what you really think of me?”

Knox blinks in surprise at Charlie’s sudden outburst. Most of the poets weren’t used to Charlie expressing his anger like this, Knox included. Pushing passed his friend’s shock, Charlie continues. “Nothing about this makes me happy, you crap bag! You’re upset. Why would I want that?” 

Aggravation seems to be a good enough reason to finally enter the room. Charlie even decides to punctuate his little outburst by slamming the door after walking in. But he still doesn’t feel prepared enough to be close to Knox, so he takes a place by his desk which had begun collecting dust in his absence.

“Where have you been, Charlie?” Knox asks, breaking the silence.

This was not where Charlie had seen the conversation going. “What?”

“You’ve been avoiding me for weeks. Ever since things started between Chris and I, you’ve disappeared.” Knox says. “It’s like I became happy and you didn’t want any part of that.”

“All I want is for you to be happy, Knox.” Charlie says softly.

Knox laughs cooly and shakes his head. “You won’t even look at me. We’re arguing and you don’t even care enough to make eye contact with me. God, what did I do to make you so disinterested in me?”

 _Disinterested?_ Charlie thinks to himself. _If he only knew…_

“This was a bad idea. I’ll find somewhere else to sleep.” Charlie heads for the door.

“No.” Knox says and he actually gets between Charlie and the door. It’s the first time they’ve looked each other in the face in weeks. The close proximity to Knox makes Charlie’s throat ache. “You don’t get to keep walking away from me, Charlie. It isn’t fair.”

“What do you want from me, Knox?” Charlie chokes out.

“You said that all you want is for me to be happy, so how come you weren’t around when I thought I was happy?” Knox asks.

“Thought you were happy?”

“Yeah, I thought. But after tonight I’m not too sure.” Knox admits.

“What do you mean?” Charlie asks.

Knox sighs. “Chris and I weren’t even together that long. Sure, it was nice while it lasted I guess, but I don’t think she was all that into me.”

How could she not be into Knox? Charlie thought that the more you got to know Knox, the more you loved him. How could Chris not see that? “I’m sorry, Knox.”

“Why are you sorry?” Knox asks.

“I’m just sorry, okay. I’m sorry that you’re hurting.” Charlie had so much to be sorry for when it came to the other boy lately and this was barely even a start. 

“I don’t even know what I’m hurting over.” Knox says. “If we’re being honest, I’m not sure if I liked Chris as much as I thought I did.”

 _Huh?_ Charlie isn’t sure what to make of this confession and he surely doesn’t know where Knox is trying to lead this conversation.

“You never answered my question.” Knox says, shaking Charlie from his thoughts.

“Which question?”

“Why have you been avoiding me?” Knox asks again. Not only had he been avoiding Knox, but he had definitely tried avoiding this question as well. Charlie isn’t sure if it’s worth opening this can of worms.

“I haven’t.” Charlie says casually.

“Stop lying. I know you. You don’t do things without some sort of reason.” Knox starts. “Everyone else may think that the things you do and the choices you make are spontaneous and unplanned, but I know you better than that. Fess up.”

Something about the tone of Knox’s voice almost hurts to hear. Charlie had known that Knox was upset over this whole situation, but hearing about it and seeing it up close were two different things. Neil was right about one thing: Knox deserved some honesty. “I couldn’t be around you.”

“Did I do something wrong?” Knox asks, hurt coloring his voice still. If Knox weren’t right in front of him, Charlie would look away. His romantic feelings and Knox’s injured feelings were almost too much to bear.

“No. God, no. Like you said Knox, you were just trying to be happy. And so was I.” Charlie says. It’s already more of the truth than he planned on revealing.

“I don’t understand.”

“I couldn’t be around you.” Charlie repeats. “Do you remember that night a little while ago that I got sick?”

“Yeah, of course. You worried me those few days. I couldn’t even figure out what was wrong with you and then next thing I know things got really weird.” Knox pauses. “Charlie, why is that when things got weird between us?”

“C’mon Knoxious, you’re a smart guy. Put it together.” Charlie says with a smirk. This whole conversation is making him sick to his stomach. There was no going back from where this was headed.

“All I remember is being worried about you because you were sick. We were all hanging out that night in the common area and all of a sudden you said you had to go. I was right in the middle of my story about…” Knox trails off. “So, this does have to do with Chris.”

Charlie can only nod in response. His throat is aching again. 

“You gotta give me more here, Charlie. I’m grasping at straws.” Knox pleads. 

He’s so close to putting the pieces together. If he could just connect the final piece, Charlie wouldn't have to say it outloud. He wouldn’t have to admit how he really felt about his roommate if he could just figure it out for himself. But he’d already come this far. There was no way this conversation could end safely for Charlie, so he finally decides to let himself fall. “I wasn’t sick that weekend. I didn’t want to be around you or anyone else because I was jealous.”

“Of-” Charlie cuts Knox off with another nod. Yes, Charlie was jealous of Chris.

“ _Oh_.”

Time seems to almost come to a complete stop for Charlie. He can see Knox trying to work everything out in his head, but he isn’t doing the math fast enough. Silence falls over the boy’s room.

“Charlie, I am so sorry.” Knox finally says.

Sorry was never good in a situation like this. He wasn’t sure what he had wanted to hear, but Charlie knew sorry wasn’t it. “You’re sorry.”

“Of course I am. This whole time I wouldn’t shut up about Chris and it was making you feel like shit. I’m so so sorry.” Knox explains.

It wasn’t the kind of sorry Charlie had assumed it was. It wasn’t a, “Sorry I don’t feel the same way.” It was more of a, “Sorry for throwing you into the fiery pit of despair that is your feelings.” But Charlie didn’t want that kind of sorry either. “Stop that. You were happy about Chris, you don’t have to apologize for that. We all knew how much you liked her.”

“No Charlie, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.” Knox says, shaking his head. “I think my thing for Chris sort of fizzled out after our first date. She was nice to be around and an awesome friend, but I don’t think we were ever capable of being more than friends. When she called things off tonight, it bothered me because she wanted space. I was upset at the idea of losing her as a friend. And honestly, I think I’ve been more upset over the idea of hurting you these last few weeks than anything Chris related.”

Charlie wonders if he’s reading too deep between the lines. Knox isn’t saying this. This isn’t the kind of thing that happens for boys like Charlie Dalton. “Don’t joke around with me, Knox. It’s not funny at all.”

“Charlie,” Knox says as he takes a step towards Charlie. There’s still enough space between them for Charlie to breathe, but not enough space to think straight. “I’m not joking.”

“If you’re saying what I think you’re saying, then why say it now? You had three years to say something and you never even dropped a hint.” Charlie asks.

That earns a cold laugh from Knox. The bitterness is back. “Charlie, I’d given up the hope of having a chance with you when I realized you were in love with Neil.”

 _In love with Neil?_ Charlie had almost forgotten about his supposed feelings for Neil. He couldn't believe Knox had picked up on that.

“Knox no, I was never in love with Neil! There was a time when I thought I might have been, but then Todd happened and I felt nothing. Not even the slightest bit of jealousy.” Charlie tells him.

Confusion washes over Knox’s face. “What does that mean, Charlie?”

“It was never Neil or anyone else. It’s you, Knox. I want you.” Charlie says. He expected to feel nauseated after confessing such a heavy thing, but Charlie had never felt so light. There was nothing ugly about this. White hot jealousy had distracted him from the beauty of his own feelings for his roommate. He was no Todd, but Charlie knew he was capable of some beautiful words too. After all, he was a poet.

Knox’s eyes widen at the confession. Riding the high from his words, Charlie closes the last bit of the gap between them.

“Charlie.” Knox whispers.

Charlie isn’t sure which one of them moves first. Perhaps they met in the middle. It doesn’t matter who initiated this. The moment Knox’s lips meet his, all the weeks of hurt and anger melt away. Knox slides a hand up Charlie’s neck to cradle his face. The other hand rests on the small of Charlie’s back, making it easier to pull him in even though there is no way for the pair to get any closer. Charlie breathes out a sigh against Knox’s lips before going in for another kiss. One of his hands makes its way to the other boy’s hair. He gives one gentle tug before breaking away from the kiss. There was something he had to say before this could continue.

“I think I love you, Knoxious.” Charlie admits.

Charlie doesn’t even care if he says it back. He would confess his love to Knox everyday if it meant seeing him look the way he did now. Hair poking out every which way, lips a tad swollen from kissing, and that smile. Charlie had thought that the feeling of jealousy was like a fire raging through his chest, burning up everything in its path. But now he was beginning to think that it was more like ice. His chest, his ribs, his heart had all been encased in ice. Until now. The smile on Knox’s face had thawed the icy anger right from Charlie’s chest.

“I think I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> Took me forever but I finally wrote something again lmaoooooo!! As always, thank you to Kalina for letting me bounce ideas off you and for being an absolute angel<3 I love the dps boys and decided to write something a little different from what I did last time so lemme know what yall think!
> 
> Follow me on social media!  
> twitter: lightwoodfrays, strayminhos  
> curiouscat: strayminhos  
> tumblr: foxesjostens


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